Oh how I have missed the crap jokes... Here is a rubbish one that is slightly sexist, but hey, here goes.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded," £5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

A woman in a Jewellery store, farts as she bends over to look at a beautiful diamond ring. She looks round, embarrassed, and sees the salesman standing behind her... Remaining totally professional, he says to her, "good day Madam, how can I help you?"

Hoping that maybe he hadn't heard her 'accident', the lady asks "Sir, what's the price of this lovely Ring?"

"Madam, if you farted by simply looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price..."

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out..." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth... 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony... 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' 'No gym to work out at?' said Tony 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'. 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'If it wasn't for you and your f*cking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Teacher: can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

student : Drin-king, smo-king, and f**-king.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person cant.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and i betcha cant resist passing it on !

Two rats in a sewer. The first one says, I'm sick of this, Shit for breakfast, shit for dinner, yet more shit for tea and - Fuck Me! - guess what? A shit for supper.
And the other rat says, don't worry, tonight we'll go on the piss

Things you can only get away with saying at christmas:

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
Smother the butter all over the breasts.
If I dont undo my trousers, I'll burst!
Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didnt expect everyone to come at the same time!
You still have a little bit on your chin.
You'll know its ready when it pops up!
Im so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

A man and his wife are on holiday in Jamaica and walk past a man selling magic sex sandals. The Jamaican said
dese magic sandels make ya ...a sex god mon! The wife is intrigued and convinces her husband to try some on.
As soon as he puts them on he instantly grabs the Jamaican, bends him over and trys to shag him. The
Jamaican screams no mon! ya gattem on da wrong feet

Recession is worse than divorce, you lose your money but you’re still married

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

Read the comments

Last nite I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of tippex. Woke up this morning with a huge correction

Police: Pa. teen set classmate's pants on fire
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 6:43 am | Updated: 1:00 pm, Wed Apr 6, 2011.
http://www.timesonline.com/news/state/p ... bc623.html

Police say a middle school student intentionally set a classmate's pants on fire inside a Pittsburgh classroom. Investigators say the 14-year-old student used a lighter to set fire to the other boy's pants on Monday while they watched a video in class. Detective Michael Burns says the victim realized his pants were burning and removed them before he sustained any injuries. Burns says police are trying to determine why the school did not contact authorities. A school spokeswoman tells the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review the boy faces disciplinary action. WTAE-TV reports the 14-year-old was released into his mother's custody.

not sure whether this is for real or not but with respect to the kid, the whole article made me laugh

Maybe the kid was a liar...